1) people care that you are well, they don't want you to die, and generally they want you to be happy
2) people have their own shit going on, which is just as critical, important, nuanced, and urgent as whatever is happening in your life
3) nobody cares about the details. they will humor you for awhile, but unless the details are gory or hilarious, render 99.9% of the population completely uninterested.
4) self-absorption is a character flaw, like talking over people in a group conversation. if you don't understand why, refer back to point #2.
5) at some point,even your most indulgent friends will grow tired of advising you of the same advice oover and over again. at some point, they will just write you off as "one of those people" who cannot help himself. ultimately everybody in the world ascribes to the theory that people make their own luck.
6) if you are healthy and live in a first world country, your problems are probably pretty trivial in the grand scheme of things
7) even if you do think that your problems are more interesting and more important, a well-socialized person has learned that if he/she wants a sounding board, he must at least reciprocate with the odd rhetorical question, i.e. "How are you?" or "How are things going in your life?"
How Can You Tell if Your Partner Is Cheating?
It always amazes me when people ask me to help "figure out" whether their spouse is cheating.
Of course, you have been on the receiving end of a question like this.
"So-and-so has been using her blackberry all hours of the night, and has seemed so distracted lately. Then I noticed her cell phone bill has all sorts of calls to the same number. Could she be cheating on me?"
Why is it that the rest of the world knows the answer to this question before the spouse ever does?
Because we all live in a personal fog. Within this world, we project onto the world that which we believe should happen. We are focused on our own thoughts and feelings so acutely that we often miss the early warning signals that our partners are on the brink of straying. We confuse their distant behavior with some sort of disdain for us, when in reality, they are just as consumed with their own thoughts and feelings.
The best way to avoid infidelity in a relationship is to try to stay "tuned in" to your partner. To learn to understand the vicissitudes of your partner's personality so that you anticipate a rocky road ahead BEFORE IT HAPPENS.
I will write more on that later.
But first, a list of clues that should tip you off that your partner is being unfaithful.
When he or she suddenly:
Of course, you have been on the receiving end of a question like this.
"So-and-so has been using her blackberry all hours of the night, and has seemed so distracted lately. Then I noticed her cell phone bill has all sorts of calls to the same number. Could she be cheating on me?"
Why is it that the rest of the world knows the answer to this question before the spouse ever does?
Because we all live in a personal fog. Within this world, we project onto the world that which we believe should happen. We are focused on our own thoughts and feelings so acutely that we often miss the early warning signals that our partners are on the brink of straying. We confuse their distant behavior with some sort of disdain for us, when in reality, they are just as consumed with their own thoughts and feelings.
The best way to avoid infidelity in a relationship is to try to stay "tuned in" to your partner. To learn to understand the vicissitudes of your partner's personality so that you anticipate a rocky road ahead BEFORE IT HAPPENS.
I will write more on that later.
But first, a list of clues that should tip you off that your partner is being unfaithful.
When he or she suddenly:
- takes a new, more devout interest in physical fitness
- buys new underwear
- buys new clothes
- password protects email accounts and phones
- suggests buying an apartment away from home for overnights in the city
- suggests that all that s/he needs is some "space"
- suggests considering an open relationship (this means the deed has been done)
- becomes very attuned to song lyrics
- says "You don't understand me at all."
- stays out late and has flimsy excuses why
- takes business trips that straddle weekends
- seems distracted all the time
- becomes obsessed with texting or email
- receives calls from "caller blocked" on Caller ID
- buys lavish gifts for you (symptom of affair-induced guilt)
- seems more evil than usual
- makes excuses for not making plans in the distant future
- avoids spending time along with you
- has a new group of friends
- opens a new credit card, bank account, or buys a second cell phone
- locks doors
- loses interest in sex
- has a heightened interest in sex
- looks at you with disgust
- explores plastic surgery, braces, contact lenses
- takes trips with "the boys" or "the girls"
- spends time with other people who you know to have been unfaithful in their relationships
But most simply, I maintain that human beings have an animal instinct that immediately senses whether a partner has been unfaithful. If your gut tells you that it is so, then it is most likely so.'
You can smell it on a person. Don't ever forget that.
The Rules
Some people insist upon being iconoclasts, and thank goodness for them. It takes a lot of energy to constantly struggle against the grain.
Society has rules, even though we may not always agree.
Some can be fought, if one toils tirelessly over the course of a lifetime. A lone rebel can hope to make a pinprick in the fiber of society and to organize other rebels enough to make a hole that changes rules permanently.
But, if you are not one of these energetic souls, prepared for a lifetime of swimming upstream, I would encourage you to learn the rules and to figure out how to win the game. Ultimately, it is a lot more fun to win than it is to fight.
So why not spend your time most efficiently, figuring out what it is that you want, and then how to get there, within the normal constraints of societal rules?
For example, if you want to be taken seriously as a professional, you have to do several things consistently:
1) show up to work early
2) work harder and smarter than everybody else
3) stay current on relevant events in your industry
4) look the part
5) take initiative and do things that are above and beyond the requirements of your job
6) pay the utmost attention to detail
7) respect your coworkers at all levels
Alternatively, you could determine that you want to coast at work, occasionally call in sick (or hungover), surf the internet, send too many personal emails, and then complain to your friends that you never get promoted and earn less money than your peers. That is the path that most people take. Why not consider trying for the same success, but following the conventional rules?
Another example:
If you want to find romantic love that lasts, you must:
1) be a complete, whole person on your own
2) eliminate any unappealing, compulsive behaviors, like substance abuse, overeating, sloth, annoying habits, neediness
3) be appealing in appearance and manner
4) attract a person to you
5) eliminate prospects that are not interested in you so that you can spend time finding people who are interested
The most difficult rule is 4, but it is, alas, the cold harsh reality. You can be the sweetest, most likeable human being that you can, but if you cannot attract somebody to you, then you haven't accomplished much. You can also think that you are worthy of a certain sort of person, but yet you never succeed in attracting this type of person.
Spend some time thinking about what it is you want out of life, and then analyze the most typical path for achieving this success.
You could reinvent the wheel and be the lone woman to find a man who doesn't mind a faint mustache and dirty clothes. Or, you could just follow the rules, and watch success fall in your lap.
If you are hoping for a gorgeous, rich, charismatic man, then history would teach us that your odds are best if you are an attractive, fit, young, sexy, interesting woman.
It isn't impossible to make things happen, but we're fortunate enough that we can review the successes of our forefathers and figure out how to get where we want to be.
There is no reason to be lost or confused.
If you aren't on track to get what you want, then you aren't doing something right. That is Darwinism pure and simple.
The world rewards those who master the system.
We all make our own luck.
Society has rules, even though we may not always agree.
Some can be fought, if one toils tirelessly over the course of a lifetime. A lone rebel can hope to make a pinprick in the fiber of society and to organize other rebels enough to make a hole that changes rules permanently.
But, if you are not one of these energetic souls, prepared for a lifetime of swimming upstream, I would encourage you to learn the rules and to figure out how to win the game. Ultimately, it is a lot more fun to win than it is to fight.
So why not spend your time most efficiently, figuring out what it is that you want, and then how to get there, within the normal constraints of societal rules?
For example, if you want to be taken seriously as a professional, you have to do several things consistently:
1) show up to work early
2) work harder and smarter than everybody else
3) stay current on relevant events in your industry
4) look the part
5) take initiative and do things that are above and beyond the requirements of your job
6) pay the utmost attention to detail
7) respect your coworkers at all levels
Alternatively, you could determine that you want to coast at work, occasionally call in sick (or hungover), surf the internet, send too many personal emails, and then complain to your friends that you never get promoted and earn less money than your peers. That is the path that most people take. Why not consider trying for the same success, but following the conventional rules?
Another example:
If you want to find romantic love that lasts, you must:
1) be a complete, whole person on your own
2) eliminate any unappealing, compulsive behaviors, like substance abuse, overeating, sloth, annoying habits, neediness
3) be appealing in appearance and manner
4) attract a person to you
5) eliminate prospects that are not interested in you so that you can spend time finding people who are interested
The most difficult rule is 4, but it is, alas, the cold harsh reality. You can be the sweetest, most likeable human being that you can, but if you cannot attract somebody to you, then you haven't accomplished much. You can also think that you are worthy of a certain sort of person, but yet you never succeed in attracting this type of person.
Spend some time thinking about what it is you want out of life, and then analyze the most typical path for achieving this success.
You could reinvent the wheel and be the lone woman to find a man who doesn't mind a faint mustache and dirty clothes. Or, you could just follow the rules, and watch success fall in your lap.
If you are hoping for a gorgeous, rich, charismatic man, then history would teach us that your odds are best if you are an attractive, fit, young, sexy, interesting woman.
It isn't impossible to make things happen, but we're fortunate enough that we can review the successes of our forefathers and figure out how to get where we want to be.
There is no reason to be lost or confused.
If you aren't on track to get what you want, then you aren't doing something right. That is Darwinism pure and simple.
The world rewards those who master the system.
We all make our own luck.
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