How Can You Tell if Your Partner Is Cheating?

It always amazes me when people ask me to help "figure out" whether their spouse is cheating.

Of course, you have been on the receiving end of a question like this.

"So-and-so has been using her blackberry all hours of the night, and has seemed so distracted lately. Then I noticed her cell phone bill has all sorts of calls to the same number. Could she be cheating on me?"

Why is it that the rest of the world knows the answer to this question before the spouse ever does?

Because we all live in a personal fog. Within this world, we project onto the world that which we believe should happen. We are focused on our own thoughts and feelings so acutely that we often miss the early warning signals that our partners are on the brink of straying. We confuse their distant behavior with some sort of disdain for us, when in reality, they are just as consumed with their own thoughts and feelings.

The best way to avoid infidelity in a relationship is to try to stay "tuned in" to your partner. To learn to understand the vicissitudes of your partner's personality so that you anticipate a rocky road ahead BEFORE IT HAPPENS.

I will write more on that later.

But first, a list of clues that should tip you off that your partner is being unfaithful.

When he or she suddenly:

• takes a new, more devout interest in physical fitness
• buys new underwear
• buys new clothes
• password protects email accounts and phones
• suggests buying an apartment away from home for overnights in the city
• suggests that all that s/he needs is some "space"
• suggests considering an open relationship (this means the deed has been done)
• becomes very attuned to song lyrics
• says "You don't understand me at all."
• stays out late and has flimsy excuses why
• takes business trips that straddle weekends
• seems distracted all the time
• becomes obsessed with texting or email
• receives calls from "caller blocked" on Caller ID
• buys lavish gifts for you (symptom of affair-induced guilt)
• seems more evil than usual
• makes excuses for not making plans in the distant future
• avoids spending time along with you
• has a new group of friends
• opens a new credit card, bank account, or buys a second cell phone
• locks doors
• loses interest in sex
• has a heightened interest in sex
• looks at you with disgust
• explores plastic surgery, braces, contact lenses
• takes trips with "the boys" or "the girls"
• spends time with other people who you know to have been unfaithful in their relationships

But most simply, I maintain that human beings have an animal instinct that immediately senses whether a partner has been unfaithful. If your gut tells you that it is so, then it is most likely so.'

You can smell it on a person. Don't ever forget that.